what happens when i publish a post

This is what happens when I publish a post.

1. I feel that I've written something true and personal and authentic.

2. I immediately regret it and want to edit it or take it down.

So, what happens in the three nanoseconds between those two events?

The Superego wakes up and starts singing that old, familiar refrain: "Don't show off. Don't be a smartie-pants. Nobody loves a smartie-pants. You won't have any friends, and people will talk about you behind your back."

I have learned that the first and most important course of action is to defend myself against this inner voice. "Get the hell out of here!" or something similar is usually most effective. I have other tools, as well, but the most important feature of all of them is that they don't engage with the inner critic. You can't argue with it; it just keeps the relationship alive. Defending myself gives me a space to breathe, to reclaim my own experience, and to process.

It isn't difficult for me to see the origins of this gut-wrenchingly unkind message. I am an only child, and my mother--who was one of eight children and also took in the child-rearing advice of 1950s/60s experts--believed that only children easily become self-centered, selfish, and, by extension, social pariahs. To my mother's credit, she wanted me to be happy and functional. I know the origins of this cruel message are in her love for me.

However, the message I internalized wasn't, "I love you and I want you to have a happy life. This means having friends and family who also love you and want to spend time with you, so I want to help you see what behaviors get in the way of that." It would have been too much for a young child to take in, anyway. So the shorthand, pithy message I learned to carry around was about not showing off.

These early messages are so deeply planted. I think I've managed to silence one--and perhaps it does go away for a long time--but given the right conditions, it gets pulled out of the inner vault and goes after me anew. What I have come to terms with is the misguided belief that I can get rid of the Superego once and for all. I actually no longer believe that's possible. So I sharpen my ability to recognize it, defend myself as quickly as possible, and then take time to see its origins.

Writing this blog is one way I defend myself. Although each post activates this particular message from the inner critic, I continue to take my stand against it. I use my inner strength and will to push that voice away, and the grace of reality stands behind me, my guardian and my protector. My true nature cannot be defeated, damaged, or deterred. The Superego is as nothing by comparison. So, en garde, inner critic! Take that!